Jacqsworld's Blog

Dialysis, Kidney Disease, Living life with Chronic illness

Pain, Agony & Defeat

As I’m writing this blog, I am in a lot of pain. I’m the  kind of person who has a high threshold for pain but this morning, the pain is getting the best of me. There’s this funny thing about having kidney disease…your kidneys don’t work anymore but they can still cause pain. I’ve experienced this pain before, more times than I can count over the five years. Most of the time, it has been pain that I can tolerate. The pain can hit you at any time and on either side of the body.

 Sometimes it can last for hours, sometimes a day or days. I’ve had this pain for 2 days now. Yesterday it was subtle, I could tolerate it. This morning I woke up and the pain was so severe that it brought me to tears. It hurt to walk downstairs into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. For those of you who struggle with chronic pain and have gone to the hospital and a hospital staff has asked you “on a scale of 1-10,what is your pain?” (I hate that question by the) I would say mine is about 250. This doesn’t worry me though. I know that the pain associated with this disease is normal. I saw my mother suffer from this same kind of pain. I pray that I won’t have to see my son suffer from this pain or this disease. Sometimes I wonder if my tears aren’t just from this pain but more from the things that I’ve seen  and continue to see from having this disease.

Like with any other chronic illness, I know that it doesn’t just affect a person physically, I don’t want any of my blog posts to ever diminish what a person goes through emotionally as well. I’m sad to have this pain right now. I had planned to get up this beautiful Saturday morning and have some “me” time by getting my eyebrows waxed and a manicure. Instead I’m waiting for this pain to stop or at least become tolerable so that I can begin my day.
For now I’m going to try a bunch of remedies that range of laying on a heating pad,to rocking back and forth moaning. I’ve already took some tyneol (extra strength) and of course, I’ve prayed that the Lord will take this pain away.

As I sat down to write tihs I thought about how I usually write about positive aspects of the living with kidney disease but there are times, like day, where it’s hard to feel positive. Pain is no laughing. Yes there are medications out. I don’t like to take a of medication and believe me, I already take a lot of medication. I also don’t suffer in silence and will be taking care of this pain if it doesn’t subside soon. After all, I do have a wax and a manicure waiting for me.


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11 thoughts on “Pain, Agony & Defeat

  1. Susan Robertson on said:

    Knowing you the way I do, this title should probably be, “Pain, Agony and NEVER Defeat!” You have the heart of a lion. I love you.

  2. Barbara Morin on said:

    I’m so sorry you’re going through such a bad time. I love you. Barbara

  3. Marjorie Stokes on said:

    My dear niece, I am so sad and sorry that you are going through this type of pain. I had to stop half way through your blog and say a pray for you. As I have only had a chance to read a few of your blogs (but believe me, I’m going to read them all, I am finding out what an amazing strong woman you are, to be in so much pain and still be able to write about it so others can know what all a person with kidney problems has to go through. I hope that you are keeping all of your writings and maybe make a little book from them to stay in the family for future lessons if anyone else developes the same thing. You are so much loved and stay strong.

    • Thank you Aunt Margie! I’m just trying to live through this the best way that I can. And if I can help or educate one person along the way, I know I’m doing something right,

  4. CLAUDIA BLAKE on said:

    Hi my #l (the oldest) neice. I’m so SORRY that your day started with so much pain. I pray it has subsided by now. You are dealing with pain and agony but there is NO defeat in you. You are heir, maternally and paternally, to strength and courage from a long line of females. Your trying days may cause you some set backs but they will NEVER defeat you! If there’s ANYTHING I can do to help you—financially, emotionally, etc.—call me, 482-5196. I’m not just saying this. I MEAN it. We are family and family supports family. Say hello to Doug and Justin.

    I love your blog. You are an EXCELLENT writer.

    Lots of love and prayers.
    Aunt Claudia

    • Thank you Aunt Claudia! I appreciate all the things you said and I am so glad you’re reading the blog. It helps me a lot in being able to express myself and if I can help one person, it’s even better! If you get the opportunity, I hope you stop by my friend Anne’s blog and read what her journey is like as she prepares to donate a kidney.


      I’m happy that I have all the love and support I get from all my family. It’s a blessing to know that I have you all in my life.

  5. Renee Rudolph on said:

    My darling friend Jackie,
    I am so sorry for your pain and illness. I can only hope and pray that soon you will have the life changing event that will take away your pain and relieve you of this blight on your life. As a cancer survivor and someone with a chronic disease I know that pain is no joke and is individual. I understand how insufficient it is to say “I hurt” or “I am in pain” Pain is a wicked animal that feeds upon us as surely as if it were a shark. It steals so much from us. You are a wonderful, strong, woman and I admire your fortitude. All my thoughts, love, and prayers are with you.

    • You’re so right about how “pain steals so much from us.” It took about 2 days for this pain to get to a point where I could tolerate it. I know that you struggle with pain too. It’s one of those things that you can’t describe to anyone unless they experience it too. I know you know:-)

  6. Robyn Cline on said:

    My beautful friend, I hate the thought of you in pain and hope by now that the pain is gone and you have had your manicure and eye brows waxed and enjoyed part of this beautiful day! I love you! Robyn

  7. Sharon Kosmider on said:

    Hello Dear Friend. I love you. I hope that this pain will soon be gone from you forever. You continue to be in my prayers. *hugs* Sharon

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